


Spite, Pettiness and Stubbornness (Do Not A Relationship Make)

by ThatOnePlatypus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Partners in Spite, They Make It Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-08-11 07:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20149666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOnePlatypus/pseuds/ThatOnePlatypus
Summary: "Spite" is apparently not the conventional answer to the question "how did you two get together?" or "how do you make this relationship work?", but it's exactly the motivation that gets Tobirama and Madara together, and keeps them that way.or:Madara and Tobirama get into a fake relationship to avoid their Elders pestering them. Everyone decides to let them know this is a terrible idea that will end in disaster.Obviously, that sounds like a challenge - and they're not going to lose.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the AU known as Spite Verse!  
The summary basically tells it all. It was a cracky idea that grew many words, and here is the first chapter!  
Since today's topics for MadaTobi Week 2019 are "any au" and "marriage of convenience", I figured it would fit. Sure, we're far, far from the marriage part, but eh. Relationship of convenience works too, right? Right.  
I hope you all enjoy it!

Elder Takahata from the Uchiha clan takes aside his head of clan, a disapproving frown on his wrinkled face.

“Madara,” he says in the annoying tone of an elder thinking he knows best, “You need to settle down.”

Madara, for his own sanity and calm, tunes him out immediately. It’s the third time that week that Elder Takahata takes him aside. It’s the seventh time in as many days that any elder of the Uchiha clan ambushes him. He knows the damn speech by heart, at this point. Madara is secretly convinced the elders have memorized the same damn thing, and just changed a few words or phrases here and there.

Truly, the gist is the same.

Settle down. Marry someone beneficial for the clan. Have an heir. Or two. Or three.

The worst part? Everyone in the Uchiha clan seems in on it. Every time he makes the mistake of staying a bit too long and inviting small talk, it’s all – _ Oh Madara, you should get out of the compound more, meet new people _ , or _ You know there is a festival in two weeks, and there’ll be a lot of pretty women there, hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge. _

Even Izuna has betrayed him, commenting just the day before on how Madara was distancing himself from everyone. The clan, the village, and you’re always working and busy and moping and training, brother, you must be _ lonely _ . And _ oh what a coincidence _ , he knew exactly what he needed to remedy to that! Madara needed to make _ friends _ ! Preferably _ lady _ friends. Cue obnoxious grin and wiggling eyebrows.

Madara is more than a little sick of it. At this point, he’s ready to propose to the first woman he finds on the street, just to shut them all up. Or simply kill them all. He’s not picky. Or in a good mood.

And they wonder _ why _ he’s avoiding people more and more lately.

“Of course, Elder Takahata,” he says, the moment the damn old man pauses to take a breath. “I’ll think on it. If you’ll excuse me, I have an urgent matter to attend to.”

He doesn’t quite run away, but he certainly powerwalks.

* * *

Tobirama sees Elder Shizuka of the Senju elders before she sees him, which is the only reason he manages to get away. She’s on his front step, lips pursed, standing straight as a rod, eyes narrowed, looking around like a hawk seeking a prey. That prey, Tobirama knows with annoyance and a bit of fear, is him.

It’s completely without shame that he steps back behind a tree hiding him from view, and then focuses on one of his Hiraishin tags. A flash of yellow, and he’s suddenly standing in his bedroom, safe at home without having to deal with Elder Shizuka at all. Maybe she has something important to tell him, but frankly he doubts it.

All that the elders have been telling him lately can be summed up with one sentence.

Find a wife that isn’t a Senju, marry her, make babies.

Because _ apparently _ now that Konoha is up and running, he needs to follow his brother’s example. Build a big, happy family, become high on life and love and somehow be cured of all his anti-social tendencies. Yes. Because _ that _’s clearly how introversion works, he just needs to find the ‘right girl’ and suddenly he will realize that having peace and quiet and time for research really isn’t that fun.

Sometimes, Tobirama despairs of the people around him.

He doesn’t even _ like _ women. Tobirama isn’t sure how they’ve missed that, really. Not that he’s been obvious about it – his sex life and other relationships are his own business and no one else’s. But he’s pretty sure _ someone _ has noticed that he doesn’t react to pretty women at all. Hashirama saw him flirt with that gorgeous – and unfortunately straight – Hatake clansman just a few weeks ago. He _ has _ to know.

Yet his brother is also badgering him to settle down. Of course, he does it in his own Hashirama-specific way – which means with a lot of theatrics, drama, gushing and wailing, odes to Mito’s greatness and _ oh brother, I just want to be just as happy as I am _!

Which is fine, really, it is. He’s grown almost immune to Hashirama’s antics by now. What is less fine is his brother pushing him at women all. The. Damn. Time. Just the day before he tried to set him up with that one kunoichi from the Akimichi clan, and the day before that he had set up a date with a Nara woman.

The only reason he’d gone to _ that _ one date was to warn the poor woman that he wasn’t interested and that she shouldn’t trust his brother with this sort of things. The only reason he’d _ stayed _ was because the food was good, Shiori – her name – was actually very smart and pleasant company, and she was also very much _ not _ interested in men. A good surprise, all in all.

Much unlike all the other dates that his brother had tried to set up. Most of them had ended in tears from the poor women who had genuinely thought he was interested.

One day, he’s going to offend the wrong one completely unwillingly, and things will get ugly.

Tobirama sighs, heading to the kitchen. He’s sick of this whole mess. He doesn’t know how to fix things in a way that won’t blow in anyone’s face let alone his own. The only solution to the problem would be to actually find a wife.

Not that he would. Any woman he’d marry would be miserable with him, and he doesn’t wish that on anyone.

So the next solution… Well. There isn’t one yet. He’s still thinking on it. Right now, he’s searching a much more literal solution – namely, alcohol. It feels like that kind of evening. Maybe being drunk off his arse will help him come up with some unconventional idea. Besides, he doesn’t have anything to do tomorrow, so he won’t even have to deal with anything or anyone while nursing his hangover. It’s clearly a sign.

He opens the cupboard-

“Fuck.”

It’s empty.

* * *

Saying that Madara is frustrated would be like saying that the ocean is a little humid. A massive understatement.

His day since he dodged out of Elder Takahata’s speech has gone from bad to The Worst. Forget the Uchiha clan – apparently _ everyone _ is in on that bloody ‘find Madara a wife’ conspiracy.

Hashirama held him behind after a meeting to talk about his non-existent love-life, spouting a whole emotional speech on how he wanted his best friend happy and in love. He had a whole monologue on _ feelings _. Madara is still shuddering in horror, just remembering it. 

He _ has _ feelings, thank you very much. Just not the sort that _ Hashirama _ apparently has, where rainbows appear randomly in the sky and butterflies flutter in your stomach and other nonsensical things. Of course, Hashirama also is a dork that makes every flower in the vicinity bloom when he’s happy, regardless of seasons, so it stands to reason that his feelings are a bit more… colourful than the average man’s.

Then _ Mito _ stopped him in a corridor of the tower, to talk about the rumour mill and _ oh apparently Whoever Yamanaka would very much like to meet you she’s a wonderful woman _. Mito. Mito stopped him. To talk about his love life. And try to set him up with a random Yamanaka.

He’s not sure if he’s unknowingly wearing a sign that says ‘this man hasn’t had a good lay in a few months, please help’, but he wants it _ gone _.

And then! Then, the worst yet, a woman he had _ never in his life _ met before had accosted him in a street, all fluttery lashes and cocked hip. Told him that she’d heard he was searching for a partner. Told him that she was very interested in getting to know the Uchiha clan head better.

Then she had tried to jump him, and Madara had shunshined away so fast he was pretty sure he had strained something.

So at this point, really, Madara is more than ready to go home, take a bottle of sake out of his supply for bad days, get roaring drunk and then pass out. Hopefully it’ll help him forget that this day ever happened.

He’s about to do exactly that, rummaging in his cupboards for all the bottles he managed to hide from his brother, when there is an ominous knock at his door. Madara tenses up. If this goes anything like everything else today, this is going to be bad news.

Cautiously, he steps around until he get to the door. There, he silently peers through one very convenient crack that only _ he _ knows exists… And resists the urge to swear up a storm.

Elder Fuguki is standing on his front step, waiting for him to open.

Madara immediately steps back, and goes back to his kitchen. Hopefully she will tire of waiting and go away.

“Who am I kidding,” he grumbles to himself.

Elder Fuguki is the most stubborn and forward of all the elders. If he doesn’t reply when she knocks again – and she will, he knows it – she’ll come in to check that he’s _ really _ gone. Damn her.

Madara glowers at his bottles. He’s really not in the mood to indulge her condescending bullshit about marriage and the good of the clan and the village and bla, bla, bla. He just wants to get drunk in peace, is that too much to ask? Really, he should just leave.

That’s exactly what he does. He takes all his bottles very carefully in his arms, opens the window just as carefully, and then shunshins to the only place the Elders will not dare to step in – the Senju compound. Except.

He remembers a bit too late, that Hashirama and Mito are in on it, and he doesn’t really know any other Senju. Thankfully, no one is walking around in this part of the compound this late…

“Uchiha?” A voice asks warily from behind him, because _ of course _ he spoke too soon.

“Senju,” he greets between clenched teeth, turning to look at Tobirama. Who looks fairly incredulous at all the bottles in his arms.

“I hope,” he says very calmly, “That you weren’t intending to go drink that with my brother.”

“No, actually,” Madara replies, and feels a bit better when Tobirama’s expression turns dubious when he realizes he’s telling the truth. Then he realizes that the other man is literally the only Senju he _ knows _won’t start to badger him about his love life, and makes a snap-decision. “Let me hide at your place and I’ll give you half of my alcohol.”

He almost winces the moment he realizes what he just said. This is Senju Tobirama. There is no way the man is going to accept – or let it go. Madara is going to hear for _ years _ about that time he was so desperate he went to Tobirama and tried to bribe him with alcohol.

Except Tobirama eyes the bottles with true consideration, and then nods briskly.

“Deal,” he says, and turns back. “Come on, Uchiha.”

Not willing to question his good fortune, Madara follows him.

* * *

Waking up without a massive headache is a very pleasant surprise, given that Tobirama’s goal for the previous evening had been to drink enough to forget his own name.

On the one hand, he’s fairly certain he didn’t drink enough to forget anything. He remembers the whole evening, from dragging Madara back to his house, to opening the bottles, to complaining about demanding elders and brothers, to complaining about their respective love life. He remembers Madara telling him that he hadn’t gotten laid in months. He remembers saying they should _ definitely _ remedy to that. He remembers remedying, actively, to that.

On the other hand, he _ did _ forget his own name for a moment.

Namely when Madara did that thing with his tongue and… Yeah. That was pretty amazing.

“So,” Madara says from where he’s sprawled next to him, tangled in the sheets of Tobirama’s bed. “That happened.”

“Yes,” Tobirama agrees, feeling lazily content, aching in a good way, and not in any hurry to leave the warm bed. He turns his head faintly towards the other man, finding him staring at the ceiling with a _ not quite sure I’m awake yet _ expression on his face. Curious, he asks, “Regretting it?”

Madara snorts, lips twitching. His hair is all over the place. Tobirama remembers the sounds he made last night when he tugged on it to better access his throat, and has to strangle the urge to reach out for the nearest strand.

“No, can’t say that I am,” Madara says. “Are you?”

“No,” Tobirama admits easily. “If it had been bad, I wouldn’t have let you fuck me into my mattress on round three.”

“Yeah,” Madara agrees. Then, after a beat, “You really have no shame, do you?”

“I grew up with Hashirama,” Tobirama reminds him dryly. “If I had any of _ that _, I’d be dead of second-hand embarrassment ten times over.”

“Point.”

Tobirama hums, and starts stretching languidly. Something in his spine pops, and he sighs in satisfaction. Then, because he doesn’t have any pressing matter to attend and his bed is feeling extra-comfortable this morning, he burrows more deeply into the covers and gives a satisfied hum.

“Senju,” Madara starts slowly, almost hesitantly.

“Call me Tobirama when we’re both naked in the same bed,” Tobirama tells him, because going back to their usual formal and rather cold form of address when they were fucking very enthusiastically barely a few hours prior seems wrong to him.

“…Sure,” Madara agrees easily enough, making Tobirama try to peer at him. He doesn’t quite succeed, though, feeling too comfortable to move. Then Madara says, “Tobirama, then. I think we need to talk.”

Well, probably. They never were friendly, let alone _ friends _ – most of their interactions were kept short and formal, disinterested but cordial at best and violently snide at worst. It’s not even that Tobirama dislikes or hates Madara, they just seem to clash.

Which, while it resulted in really incredible sex, makes this a rather weird turn of events.

“Sure,” Tobirama agrees, reluctantly shifting to get a better angle.

Madara isn’t looking at him any more. He looks thoughtful, and something else that Tobirama can’t read. He props himself on his pillow, mildly curious, and waits for the shoe to drop.

“You’re aware,” Madara eventually says, almost delicately, “That this isn’t… Well. Serious.”

“Obviously,” Tobirama says dryly. “I didn’t think it needed stating.”

Truthfully, he had half expected Madara to leave in the middle of the night in shame, or to at least express some sort of anger or upset in the morning. The fact that he hasn’t is a nice surprise, but doesn’t make this any less of a one-night stand.

“I mean,” he amends after a beat, “Unless you _ wanted _ to make it serious?”

He truly doubts it, and the incredulous look Madara sends him pretty much confirms the fact that they are both on the same page there. Except, halfway through, Madara’s expression shifts to something thoughtful and considering and then… He looks at Tobirama, an odd glint in his eyes.

“We could,” he says. He forges on before Tobirama can react and tell him that he was joking. “No, listen, Sen- Tobirama. It’s just an idea but… How much do you want people to stop bothering you about taking on a wife?”

Oh. _ Oh. _ Tobirama stares at Madara, stunned, realization dawning.

“Are you suggesting,” he starts slowly, “that we start a fake-relationship as an excuse to avoid any further attempt at matchmaking?”

“I know that even Elder Fuguki would think twice before trying to offend you or your brother by trying to deny a relationship between us,” Madara says. “Would _ your _ elders dare to say anything that might offend the head of the Uchiha clan? Think about it.”

“I _ am _ thinking about it,” Tobirama retorts, but it lacks bite. His mind is working fast. “This is a terrible idea.” He pauses, and looks at Madara. “It might work.”

Madara makes a face like he’s not sure whether to be offended or not. Before he can make up his mind, Tobirama goes on, thoughts whirling up a storm in his head.

“It would quiet the rumours about you distancing yourself from the village and having anti-Senju feelings, quiet the rumours of _ me _ hating the Uchiha clan, make a show of inter-clan unity,” he lists off, “and neatly put a stop to those stupid attempts at make us find partners.”

“Four birds, one kunai,” Madara says, and grins.

It’s not a nice grin at all, too full of teeth and of viciousness. It’s not directed at Tobirama, though, but at the world at large. Tobirama is nothing if not appreciative of that sort of vindictive pleasure.

“This is going to end in disaster,” he muses, smirking back despite himself.

“Probably,” Madara is sensible enough to admit it. He doesn’t seem to care much, though. “So?”

Tobirama hums, and looks at the man, considering.

Well, he supposes that as far as plans go, there are worse ones.

“Sure.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes chapter two of this hot mess of an AU!  
I hope no one is expecting anything serious, because once again, it isn't!  
Enjoy!

Elder Fuguki, predictably, ambushes Madara the moment he steps foot in the Uchiha compound.

“Madara-sama,” she says, radiating disapproval, “I was hoping to catch you. I was very surprised to note you didn’t come back home last night.”

“My private business isn’t any concern of yours,” Madara drawls, looking at her.

Of course, that has never stopped any elder before, but it’s worth a try. A glance around tells him that there are only a few stragglers in the compound, some of them eyeing him with curiosity, others – more used to nagging elders, or at least wise enough to know it’s nothing good – with pity. Madara wonders with some annoyance where that pity was, when _ they _ tried to ambush him with gossip and matchmaking attempts.

“-and seriously,” Elder Fuguki says. Oops. It seems he tuned her out by habit. Madara hopes she doesn’t see him wince. Her glare is frigid, “Really, Madara-sama, if you keep absenting yourself in the evenings without declaring what for, people are going to talk, and we cannot afford the rumour that you are frequenting the red light district. Any courtship attempt the clan will try to set up won’t be-”

“I’m not going to make any courtship attempt,” Madara interrupts, because _ really _. He’s sick of it.

“Excuse me?” Elder Fuguki says, blankly.

“I said,” Madara repeats slower, “I won’t find any suitor amongst those the _ clan _ or _ anyone else _ try to _ set up _ for me.” He looks Elder Fuguki straight in the eye, and sneers. “I’m very tired of people butting in my love life, Fuguki- _ san. _ It’s my business, and mine alone, and _ I _will be the one choosing whoever I marry.”

Fuguki, to her credit, only pales but doesn’t step back. Madara only scoffs at her and keeps walking – sometimes, those fools forget that he is the clan head, and that in the end they are only here to _ advise _ him, and nothing else.

“Well,” Fuguki eventually seems to regain some of her composure, and a lot of her disapproval. She sniffs. “If you would at least give some _pretense_ to be interested in such venture, perhaps we wouldn’t be so worried.”

Madara halts, and eyes her coldly. She stares back, still pale but not backing down. He grudgingly respects that, even if he really wants to strangle her.

“Just because I do not advertise the fact that I have a lover doesn’t mean I do not,” Madara rebukes.

“You do?” Elder Fuguki says, eyes widening a little.

“_ Yes, _” Madara hisses at her. “Now, I hope you will desist those foolish attempts.”

Elder Fuguki doesn’t reply, looking fairly stunned. Satisfied, Madara stalks away.

Unfortunately, it means he misses the shrewd look the old woman sends at his back.

* * *

_ Of course it was too easy _, Tobirama thinks, looking at the gathered Elders and his brother that are all sitting in front of him. He can feel, distantly, Madara’s chakra surrounded in a similar manner, and wonders if the man – his lover, now, he supposes – also decided to drop the bomb on his Elders to get some peace.

“Why are we only hearing now of this mysterious suitor?” Elder Kotaro asks, frowning.

_ Because it’s none of your business, whom I sleep with _, Tobirama thinks dismissively. What he says, though, is, “I did not see how my intimate ventures were of interest to the clan.”

“The clan is here to help you in any courtship you wish to pursue,” Elder Shizuka tells him, which is elder-speak for the fact that the elders would prefer to be informed so that they can either make sure the match is a good one, or sabotage it. “Tell us, who is this woman you are courting? While I’m sure your judgement is sound, we would like to perform a background check, just in case. Your safety is important.”

Hashirama has yet to speak, but Tobirama isn’t looking at him. He’s staring at Elder Shizuka, and trying not to let her see how impressed he is by what she just said – which is, not at all. Normally, he wouldn’t answer, because frankly he wouldn’t wish his elders on anyone, but well.

If there is _ one person _ he’s sure his elders won’t be able to bother the way they would anyone else, it’s Madara. Besides, he’s pretty sure the man is also throwing him to the wolves as he speaks, just as willing to get rid of all of this nonsense as him.

So he affects nonchalance, and answers.

“I rather doubt that Uchiha Madara would be happy to hear you call him a woman,” he says mildly.

Oh, their _ faces _.

* * *

Madara has to use all of his restraint and training to refrain from bursting out laughing at the _ faces _ of the Elders. Dropping Tobirama’s name had the desired effect, and now everyone seems to be floundering to decide which is the worst part – that he’s apparently courting a _ man _ , a _ Senju _ or _ Tobirama himself _.

Elder Takahata has the face of someone who bit into a sour prune without expecting it, and Madara shamelessly activates his sharingan to record it.

It’s the little things in life that make it all worth living, he decides.

“Senju Tobirama,” Elder Mineta repeats, as though he wishes to have heard wrongly. “Madara-sama, with all due respect, have you lost your mind?”

* * *

“Tobirama, a relationship between you and the Uchiha will never last!”

* * *

“Why would you wish to court such a- _ person _?”

* * *

“This is madness.”

* * *

“You cannot be serious.”

* * *

“Me and Madara have found that we have far more in common than previously thought,” Tobirama finally interrupts the cacophony of comments and opinions on his sanity – or apparent lack thereof. “We have developed a good working relationship, and I have a lot of affection for him.” Only the fact that he _ needs _ them to stop bothering him lets him keep a straight face through this. “I can only hope that our relationship will last, and end up in a favourable manner for us all. It is, after all, a good sign for the alliance between us and the Uchiha, is it not? Unless someone disagrees with my choice in lover?”

For a long, blessed moment, no one answers, stunned. Then, one elder seems to recover enough to open their mouth.

“But, Tobirama-sama, what about siring an heir?” They ask.

“This is mine and Madara’s concern,” Tobirama says, shortly. “If we both feel ready to have a child, then I have all the confidence that we’ll find an option.” He then arches a brow. “In any cases, any heir of _ mine _ will be my business. _ Hashirama’s _ children will be the clan heirs, not mine. Perhaps this should be your concerns.”

Hashirama makes a noise, clearly recognizing how his brother just threw him under the bus.

_ Suck it up, Anija _, Tobirama thinks viciously.

* * *

“While we do not doubt that you hold… _ affection _ for the Senju,” one elder tells Madara with hesitation, “We worry about the reverse being true.”

Madara manages, somehow, not to burst out laughing hysterically. He just mentioned tolerating Tobirama and liking his company – which wasn’t fully a lie, but certainly a gross overestimation. Affection was not a word used. Frankly, he can understand some of the elders’ hesitation – Tobirama being affectionate isn’t something that he would have imagined, until this morning.

The man’s relaxed state in bed had shown Madara a… mellower side of him that wasn’t quite unpleasant.

Still, he must sell this, and sell it well if he is to have any peace any time soon. So he takes his most earnest expression, and frowns at the elder.

“Me and Tobirama are in _ love _,” he says, and somehow doesn’t choke on the lie. “And I’d appreciate it, if you could stop insinuating anything else, or assuming that you have a say in my relationship with him.”

“Of course, Madara-sama,” is the not quite contrite answer.

Good enough.

* * *

Tobirama doesn’t wait. The moment he manages to leave the meeting, he Hiraishins straight to the closest seal to Madara’s chakra signature.

Fortunately, he finds the Uchiha alone, and in a rather remote part of the village.

“Holy shit- don’t do that!” Madara hisses out, looking startled.

“Sorry,” Tobirama says, deadpan and not really sorry at all. “I thought best to warn you – my clan is now under the impression that we would elope to Earth country if anyone tried to separate us.”

“Ah,” Madara says, and blinks. Then he smirks, “My clan now thinks we’re both very deeply in love, and considering some unofficial marriage in the future.”

“My clan is under the impression that we’re making plans to have children at some point,” Tobirama counters, with an arched brow.

“Well my- wait. Really?” Madara pauses, and stares at him. “How the hell would we do that?”

“Adoption, surrogate mother, or,” Tobirama shrugs, “I could theoretically take both of our dna and make a child.”

“Like a science experiment,” Madara deadpans.

“Yes,” Tobirama says.

“Let’s just. Not talk about this right now,” Madara says. He then huffs. “Can you _ believe _ that it took them _ hours _ to stop telling me that I was an idiot and that it would absolutely never work between us?”

“I can,” Tobirama says. He shakes his head. “They’re not wrong, but it’s annoying. We’re adults. You’d think they would leave us to make our own mistakes on our own.”

“Yeah,” Madara starts to say, only to pause when Tobirama freezes, and whirls around.

“Incoming,” the albino hisses out.

Madara’s eyes widen, and unthinkingly he steps closer to Tobirama, who apparently has the exact same idea. They end up standing way to close to each other, faces tilted awkwardly to avoid bumping into the other.

“Oh my god,” someone says from the end of the corridor, and they both whirl to look at the intruder, to find Izuna looking horrified. “It was _ true _.”

Madara pales, and considers correcting his brother on whatever he thinks was happening – but Tobirama steps on his foot, and snags his collar with a hand. With a smirk that shouldn’t be that attractive – but damn, he had the same one last night, and it’s now stuck in Madara’s head – he plants a small but obvious kiss on Madara’s cheek, just at the corner of his mouth.

“I’ll let you handle this one,” the jerk has the audacity to tell him smugly, and then adds in a low purr, “_ darling _.”

Izuna squawks, and Madara feels himself redden in outrage. Tobirama just winks and then flashes out of there.

Leaving him alone with his brother.

_ Bastard _.

* * *

Touka doesn’t ambush him – she doesn’t bother, simply coming into his office during the day, a dubious look on her face. Tobirama arches a brow at her, wondering what she’s doing there. For a moment she doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, and then finally-

“Uchiha Madara?” She says, flat. “Really?”

“Ah,” Tobirama understands. So that is what this is about. “Yes.”

“Tobirama, you’re a big boy,” she says, “You’re free to make your own mistakes, but-” She pauses, a frown evident on her face. “You can’t sincerely expect this relationship to work.”

Tobirama very carefully doesn’t roll his eyes. Really, why do they all tell him this? As if he were stupid enough to believe otherwise. He and Madara both are perfectly aware that they would never make a real relationship work. They barely _ like _ each other.

Actually, not even that. They tolerate the other’s presence, at best.

It’s a little insulting, now that he thinks about it. Do they all really think he would be so idiotic?

“Touka,” he starts, looking his cousin straight in the eyes. “I’m perfectly capable of making choices. Sensible choices.”

What he intends to follow this with is the truth of the plot to avoid the elders. Touka, though, doesn’t take the first hint, and cuts him off.

“_ That _ is not a sensible choice,” she exclaims. “Tobirama, if I had to name the two least romantic persons in Konoha, you and Madara would probably be it!”

Tobirama can’t help the slightly offended look he gives her, because, okay, _ rude _. Before he can retort, she goes on.

“You both probably wouldn’t know romance if it hit you in the face,” Touka says strongly. “And you couldn’t romance your way out of an ant maze! Uchiha’s idea of a date probably is having a spar! And yours would be dissecting corpses together or something.” Tobirama opens his mouth to tell her off, but she’s on a roll. “Tobirama, no offense, but you’re not really suited to making relationships work. You’re not really… emotionally implicated enough. And Madara certainly wouldn’t put in the effort to keep it together.”

Okay, this has gone beyond rude and into _ excuse you _ territory.

Tobirama might agree that him and Madara would make a terrible couple and would probably crash and burn, but to say he can’t even have a relationship with anyone if he wishes because he’s incapable of it… It’s a little hurting, if he’s honest. He knows he’s not the best at expressing his emotions, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love or express love.

“I think,” Tobirama says, not even trying to keep his frigid tone in check, “that you should go, Touka.”

“Tobirama-” she starts, frowning.

“No,” he cuts her off. “You’ve made your opinion clear. Now, leave. I do not have the time, nor the mood, to indulge your insults.”

Touka opens her mouth again, but he glares at her. She shuts it with a click, and a glare of her own, but eventually nods and goes to the door. Just before leaving, she turns back, and shoots him a look.

“When this crashes around your head, Tobirama,” she says, tone annoyed, “Don’t come to me for comfort. I’ll just tell you I told you so.”

And she leaves in a huff. Leaving Tobirama to stare at the door with a scowl.

* * *

Madara very carefully doesn’t jump three feet in the air when Tobirama materializes in a flash in his kitchen. He does however put a hand on his frantic heart, and glares at his ‘lover’.

“Must you do that?” He growls.

“Yes,” Tobirama snaps back, and flings himself in a chair.

Madara blinks, almost startled out of his bad mood by the fact that Tobirama seems to be in a mood just as bad as his own. He _ would _ feel vindicated, since the ass left him to try and reason with Izuna alone, except he’s in a truly atrocious mood.

Tobirama scowling at nothing in particular after almost giving him a heart attack doesn’t help.

“What the hell are you even doing here?” Madara demands sharply.

“My cousin is under the impression that I would actually _ be _ stupid enough to _ actually _ fall in love with you,” Tobirama says, which isn’t an answer. It’s also very rude. Madara would be a great catch. He’s about to say so, when Tobirama adds, “She’s also under the impression that we both have no idea of what romance is. Or emotions, for that matter.”

Oh.

_ Oh, _ well that rings a bell. Izuna gave him almost the exact same speech. With more vitriol and a lot of insults directed at Tobirama, and Tobirama’s integrity, and Tobirama’s everything to be fair.

And _ then _ Hashirama ambushed him with a smile so cheerful it was scary. Especially given the killing intent he was leaking.

Madara is better off not recalling any part of the following shovel talk – he’s now scarred for life, and will never look at a bonsai the same way ever again.

What he _ can _ remember without breaking out in shudders, is how Hashirama was clearly convinced that it was just a matter of time before Madara broke Tobirama’s heart. Because _ obviously _ he’s utterly incompetent and also a douchebag who has no clue how to treat a significant other.

Needless to say, Madara is still seething about that.

“Your brother, and _ mine _, for that matter,” he grits out, “seem to agree with your cousin on that.”

Tobirama turns a wide betrayed look on him. Probably not because of Izuna’s opinion – that wouldn’t come out as shocking, really – but most likely because of Hashirama’s.

Madara can relate.

He knows he’s not the most approachable or… or maybe the most sympathetic person, really.

But really? _ Really _?

Do they all think he has absolutely no idea how to date someone and make them feel loved? Was _ that _ why everyone was involved in this ridiculous mess of trying to hook him up with the first woman willing? Did they really think he needed their help?

Seething, he looks up at Tobirama, who is back to scowling at the wall. Which is understandable – they have both been insulted with each comment. After all, everyone thinks that not only they’re not aware that an actual relationship between them would end in disaster, but that even if they know they’re stupid enough to stay in such a harmful relationship.

As if.

If Madara, for some reason, had actually fallen in love with Tobirama, but didn’t feel the other man appreciated him enough, he would break up that relationship faster than he can say ‘sharingan’.

Tobirama, he believes, would probably do the exact same. Tobirama isn’t the type to endure someone that can’t respect or love him in a relationship. He isn’t the type to keep trying and do all the efforts to keep a relationship afloat either.

They’re also both _ not _ the type to start a relationship without the intention to keep their end of the bargain. Really. Do people think Madara wouldn’t do what he can to keep his partner happy? Do they think _ Tobirama _ would be so gauche as to start a relationship half-heartedly?

Madara doesn’t even _ like _ Tobirama, or even knows him all that well to be fair since he doesn’t go out of his way to spend time with him, but even _ he _ would give the man some credit.

Madara has no idea how everyone in the village somehow got the impression that they both would be so pathetic, but it’s offensive.

Oh, he’ll _ show them _.

That relationship may be fake, but damn it, Madara isn’t going to take those insults lying down.

“Where do you like to eat?” Madara asks briskly.

“Pardon?” Tobirama startles, turning a surprised look on him.

“Dinner,” Madara says. “What place is your favourite to eat dinner?”

“...Why?” Tobirama asks slowly, eyes narrowing.

“Because,” Madara says, and bares his teeth in a grin, “I’m going to take you out for dinner. On a date. They think we can’t do romance? I’ll show them romance. I’m going to romance you so hard that they’re going to _ choke on it _.”

Tobirama snorts.

“Let’s be thankful no one is around to hear that,” he drawls, “because you would have proven their point. That’s the least romantic way _ anyone _ has ever asked me on a date.”

“Oh shut up,” Madara grumbles, rolling his eyes. “It’s not like it’s _ real _.”

“No, I suppose not,” Tobirama agrees thoughtfully. Then, with a tiny smirk, “Well, in for a kunai, in for the whole armoury. Why not? I like that sushi place, near the market place.”

“Alright,” Madara nods.

“If anyone asks,” Tobirama goes on, his smirk widening as he thinks it through, “We’re out to celebrate the fact that we don’t need to hide our relationship any more. We can now be unapologetically disgusting in public.” He sends a wicked look at Madara. “I expect at _ least _ hand holding, cheek kisses, and you trying to feed me one piece of your dessert by hand.”

Madara lets out a small cackle. Oh, he _ likes _ that idea.

“Of course,” he grins back.

Besides, as Tobirama said, they started this as a way to get back at everyone and get left alone. They might as well go all in, play the long game. The reward they’ll sow will be well-worth any small aggravation along the way.

Oh, the reactions are going to be _ hilarious _.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to kudo and comment if you liked it! :D


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